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Desi

Der EDV-Dompteur im Zivilmodus

  • »Desi« ist der Autor dieses Themas

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Wohnort: Hamburg

Beruf: Techniker

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1

Montag, 4. November 2013, 05:21

Bruce-Schneier-Witze

Wer Bruce Schneier nicht kennt: Ein hoch angesehener Spezialist für IT-Sicherheit/Cryptografie.

https://www.schneier.com/



In nerdigen/geekigen Witzen wird er gerne zum unfehlbaren Übermenschen seines Fachbereichs hochstillisiert. Und zwar in Anlehnung an den Stil der bekannten Chuck-Norris-Witze, jedoch adaptiert auf datentechnische Themen:
http://www.schneierfacts.com/

Natürlich darf derartiger Stoff bei EDV-Dompteur keinesfalls fehlen, darum hier eine Zusammenstellung meiner Favoriten:


Bruce Schneier knows Chuck Norris' private key.

Bruce Schneier accurately predicts the random.

Bruce Schneier doesn't need to hide data with steganography - data hides from Bruce Schneier.

Bruce Schneier knows who the Anonymous Coward is.

Bruce Schneier can recite pi. Backwards.

Bruce Schneier can write a recursive program that proves the Riemann Hypothesis. In Malbolge.

Bruce Schneier can read captchas.

Hashes collide because they're swerving to avoid Bruce Schneier.

Bruce Schneier is the root of all certificates.

Bruce Schneier intercepts all your internal monologues by a man-in-the-middle attack.

Schneier once solved the travelling salesman problem in O(1) but told nobody, because he don't like salesmen.

Compilers don't warn Bruce Schneier, Bruce Schneier warns compilers.

AES stands for "Ain't Encryption to Schneier."

Bruce Schneier knows the Universe's random seed.

Bruce Schneier puts the "cry" in "cryptography".

Bruce Schneier doesn't know the meaning of "ciphertext" -- only "easy plaintext" and "very easy plaintext".

When Bruce Schneier observes a quantum particle, it remains in the same state until he has finished observing it.

Bruce Schneier knows the state of schroedinger's cat

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle doesn't protect your qubits from Bruce Schneier. Bruce knows with certainty.
Hier klicken für weitere Informationen
Es ist erschreckend, wie oft die letzten drei Witze nicht verstanden werden. Nur soviel: Wer die nicht versteht, hat ein echtes Defizit an Allgemeinbildung - sorry!


Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days.

Bruce Schneier knows the last digit of pi. He won't say it because it's considered a matter of national security.

Bruce Schneier's earliest childhood memory is encrypted.

When Bruce Schneier was a kid he would talk to his friends across the yard using tin cans connected by a string. The messages on that string were 4096-bit RSA encrypted.

Mathematicians recently developed an elementary proof for Fermat's Last Theorem. It was based on the Schneier Axiom, which reads: "Bruce
Schneier said so."

Santa Clause doesn't know if Bruce Schneier has been good or bad.

Bruce Schneier can determine if a program terminates just by looking at it. And then the program terminates itself.

Setting SSID of an open Wi-Fi network to "bruceschneier" makes it completely secure.

My firewall cannot block www.schneier.com.

Bruce Schneier can see SHA-256 collisions by holding a hash up to a mirror and crossing his eyes.

There are no prime numbers. Only numbers that Bruce Schneier does not want you to factor.

Bruce Schneier knows the secret formula for Coca-Cola.

In Bruce we trust; all others must submit an X.509 certificate.

Bruce Schneier has to give his neurologist a passphrase before he could read Bruce's MRI.

Bruce Schneier can tell you where to find your GPG key into the digits of PI.

When Bruce Schneier plays lotto, he doesn't guess. He determines.

Every time Bruce Schneier speaks, a cryptographer dies.

Bruce Schneier can watch a Blue Ray encrypted movie, just by looking at the disk with his naked eye.

Stephen Hawking changed his opinion on the information paradox when he realized that not even black holes can hide information from Bruce Schneier.

Neo can see the code, but he cannot see Bruce Schneier.

When Curtis Cooper and Steven Boone discovered the 44th Mersenne prime, Bruce Schneier had to change the combination on his luggage.

I once shook Bruce Schneier's hand at a conference, and now my palm activates RFID card readers.

Bruce Schneier knows how to generate a digital signature. Anyone's.

Only Bruce Schneier is allowed to wear the "I read the NSA's e-mail" t-shirt.

Bruce Schneier is always the man in the middle.

Alice and Bob met for the first time at Bruce Schneier's pool-party.
Hier klicken für weitere Informationen
Letzterer ist vielleicht etwas erklärungsbedürftig:
"Alice und Bob" repräsentieren in Erklärungen über sichere Kommunikation gewissermaßen traditionell die beiden Personen "A und B", die gerne auf sichere Weise miteinander kommunizieren möchten.


Bruce Schneier was already bored of people suggesting "Bruce Schneier knows what my suggestion is" before anyone first viewed this website.

Bruce Schneier knows I would write this.
.
Achtung: Meine "piratigen" Postings können höhere Dosierungen von Satire/Ironie/Sarkasmus beinhalten! Mehr Infos dazu

"Das Internet darf kein rechtsfreier Raum sein"
Das Internet darf keine Spielwiese berufsempörter Advokaten sein!

Dieser Beitrag wurde bereits 2 mal editiert, zuletzt von »Desi« (21. November 2013, 19:46)


Desi

Der EDV-Dompteur im Zivilmodus

  • »Desi« ist der Autor dieses Themas

Beiträge: 1 020

Wohnort: Hamburg

Beruf: Techniker

  • Nachricht senden

2

Donnerstag, 21. November 2013, 19:44

When you email Bruce Schneier, you don't need to press "send".

Bruce Schneier used to shave with Occam's razor, but decided growing a manly beard was simpler.

Mein persönlicher Favorit:
If the Riemann Hypothesis had been first studied by Bruce Schneier, we would call it the Schneier Fact.
ROTFL


Und ein paar von mir selbst "gefundene" - äh - "Fakten":

Schneier knows exactly what happens inside a black hole, because for him doesn't exist any secure hiding place for any kind of information.

The Architect of the Matrix once fancied to be Schneier's student. Unfortunately he failed Schneier's entrance examination.

Schneier uses a keyboard which has only two Keys: 0 and 1. Because he wants to keep absolute control over every single bit.

Schneier once tried to hack the NSA. But he failed. Then he awoke, because his nightmare has become much too ridiculous.

Schneier has invented a algorithm, which is able to compress a picture of your facial expression into only three Bytes. The output:
:-)

All published facts about Schneier are understatements. Because the true facts about the power of his skills would nobody believe.

Schneier has no need to get access to the porn archive, stored on your 1TB HDD. Because there's space for only 2^(8*10^12) possible bit combinations. And, off course, he knews and can imagine all of them, in any possible kind of interpretation.
.
Achtung: Meine "piratigen" Postings können höhere Dosierungen von Satire/Ironie/Sarkasmus beinhalten! Mehr Infos dazu

"Das Internet darf kein rechtsfreier Raum sein"
Das Internet darf keine Spielwiese berufsempörter Advokaten sein!

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